I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
