I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize