I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
