i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
