i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
