I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
