In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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