I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
