he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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