So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am midnight drunk by noon
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
