i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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