One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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