Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
