I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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