There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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