i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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