i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize