I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
