i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
