true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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