I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize