I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
