Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
