oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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