I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
