It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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