A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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