Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
