When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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