I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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