Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
