God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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