Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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