I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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