dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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