i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
