Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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