I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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