I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
