You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
