Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
