He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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