I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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