Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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