I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
