i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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