You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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