i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
