I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
