You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
and she was petting her beer can
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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