I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
