Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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