I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
