I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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