my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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