I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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