Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
