Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
