Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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